Keep your dollar

Mike is working out of town today, and while I usually go home to eat lunch I decided to go for a walk today.

But that of course left me with no time to actually eat anything, so then I had to make the choice between not eating lunch and going through a drive-thru somewhere. So I ended up at McDonalds. (I know, I know, gross, I know, but I figured eating something was better for my metabolism than not eating at all).

There's all alley in between the drive-thru and some houses, and while I was waiting to order I looked over and saw a guy sitting on a cooler writing in a notepad. Next to him was a suitcase with a cardboard sign on top that read "First time in 60 years have needed a hand. I apologize and God bless."

Sitting there I thought about how many people had just passed him by and how hard it must be to  be so down and out that you have to ask for money from people you don't even know. I thought about the dollar bill I had and wondered if I should give it to him. I don't normally carry cash, but I had a dollar in my purse today. I was not going to stop.  I was running late getting back to work from lunch, and how was I supposed to know he actually needed the money? I mean, it sucks, but I am sure there are people in the world who just go set up shop on a street corner who aren't actually in need but just want some extra cash. Douchebags.




Then I thought that if I don't just go give him the dollar the thought that I could have helped him in some small way and didn't would keep me awake at night. Believe me, I don't need help staying awake at night. So I wrapped around the block and parked.

As I walked toward him he looked up from his note pad and said something like "Hello young lady!" I told him I could only give him a dollar and held it out to him. I expected him to take it and say thank you, but instead he just smiled and said "keep your dollar."

Wow, that was not expected! He then told me about how his mind set has been dramatically changed since he has been on the road. He said that for years he hated people and he was very jaded. Now, having so many people offer to help him his view on that had changed and he was sorry for hating people. He said he cries every night when he thinks about how much he hated and how grateful he is now. He looked at me and said. "I apologize for hating you." Of course he did not mean me personally, just people in general.

Then he went on some tirade about ISIS  . . .

After that he told me that yesterday he had a couple of cops come up to check on him and he asked if he could buy them lunch. He was upset that so many young police officers are getting killed and wanted to show his appreciation to the two police officers by buying them lunch. They of course politely turned down his offer.

His name was James. He shook my hand and then kissed it. He told me that he did not want to take my dollar, he was just happy that I stopped to talk to him. He said that the position he was currently in was his own fault. I did not ask him to elaborate. He had been sitting there passing the time by writing about how dramatically his mind had been changed.

He told me I had beautiful hair (which was the craziest thing he said the whole time, lol!) and thanked me. He then asked me if I needed a couple of extra dollars! No, but thank you.

It was strange . . . but so is life.

I try to turn everything into a learning experience. I believe that everything that happens to you in life is meant to teach you something.

Today's encounter with James taught me that a rock hard mind set can be softened, worked with and changed into something beautiful. Also, don't take your house, your clean water, your bed etc. for granted, it can be taken away. And your phone. For the love of God don't lose your precious iPhone! However will you live without it? LOL.

It made me think about how jaded I still am. Though I am getting better, it really is hard to let go of some things that happened in the past and forgive and forget the way people have treated you.

As I progress along my own journey of learning to truly let things go that weigh me down I keep running into one thing that I can't seem to move past. Perhaps a confession is due? I hate beautiful women. I don't have to know her, if she is gorgeous I hate her. It's an ugly part of me. She takes it for granted and everything is handed to her, you see, she's what I kill myself trying to be everyday and she won the genetic lottery and it was given to her. I want to switch places with her for one day, just one day so she can see what it's like to be on the opposite end and so I can feel what it is like to be loved for being beautiful and not just my "personality." We are judged by our appearance first and foremost whether you'll admit it or not.

It's silly, it's high school bullshit, I know, but that does not help it go away for me. I've thought it never would. That, among everything, is something I have been steadfast on. I've thought that nothing could change my mind. But that can be changed. Of course I've known that in the back of my mind, but hearing how much this guy's mind had been changed about how he felt about people brought it to the forefront. I'll work on it.

The next time I see a beautiful woman I will try not to imagine her face being mauled by rats or burned by acid or something. Just kidding, I never really think about someone else being hurt, even I would not go that far. I internalize it and use it for fodder to criticize myself and my looks. That has to stop. Somehow I will make that happen.

Thanks, James, for our chat today. I hope things work out for you.