What goes around

I had the urge to write earlier today. The last few weeks have been trying, to say the least. My family experienced the unexpected and tragic death of my uncle,  who died doing what he loved, fishing near the family cabin at the Blackfoot Reservoir.

My little brother is going through a nasty divorce... dealing with someone who refuses to listen to reason and will hurt any one to get her way.

I spelled a name wrong in one of my articles in the paper, it was one letter in one last name in a literal cast of characters, and another person in the cast sent me an email that was "over the top" as one person called it. He called my job into question and said my article was laughable.

The previous week I'd been distracted, I tried to explain, both to him and myself. Knowing that people in your family are in unimaginable pain, waiting for your loved ones body to be found or to hear word from a lawyer that your niece has been born and that she's healthy  . . . I'm not one to make excuses, but I'm definitely one to feel the need to prove myself, even to those I don't know and whose opinion shouldn't matter. I'm human, I should not have to explain that.

The email completely derailed me. I live in constant fear of not being good enough, of failing, of screwing up in a very public way. Everyone has their issues, of course, and an unnatural and unreasonable fear of inadequacy is one of mine. I can't explain, after all, if I could I would know more about the root of this issue and may be able to fix it, now wouldn't I?

I voiced a concern to a co worker that perhaps I would not be the best person to write the entertainment articles moving forward, that perhaps a  freelance writer could take over that, leaving me more time to focus on my online duties, which includes managing seven plus web sites. This coworker proceeded to become very upset with me . . . she called me manipulative and selfish. I think that hurt more than the email.

That was Monday. I'm still so hurt it is hard to concentrate on anything else. This person, this coworker is . . . well, that was what my original blog was to be about. The way I've always covered for her during vacations, but she won't so much as check my email when I am gone, the way she takes every holiday week off so that she earns an extra week by the end of the year because of the automatic paid holidays, preventing me from taking any holiday time off. I asked once, for one day off on a holiday week, to which she replied "I won't change my vacation for anyone." The person who goes home because her foot hurts or she's "stressed out," leaving me to do all her work. The person who blamed me for one of her mistakes to our boss right in front of me.  This is the person who called me manipulative and selfish. I wish I were making this up, but people like this exist.

I've kept my mouth shut about her for so long, I've strived to "take the high road" and "be the bigger person" for so long, but I would be lying if I said it did not get to me. When does karma kick in?  It's so tempting to inflict my own passive vengeance, to make these people realize what douchbags they are . . .

I took a step back this afternoon, maybe three or four. Scrolling through Facebook while waiting for the dryer to buzz a video link intrigued me. A news report from Texas about a couple who were anxiously awaiting the arrival of their first baby only to learn that he had a rare genetic disorder and would not survive long after birth. They allowed cameras in for the birth, then as they took the baby home and the moments before he died in his father's arms. The talked about how they were given the option to have an abortion, but chose not to because they wanted to be able to meet their baby. They were comforted by the fact that all he would know in his short life was love.

I think a lot, too much, ironically, but it was a reminder that we are always given a choice. No matter how grim our circumstances are there is a choice. We can chose to be angry, and often are, we can be spiteful and mean and vindictive, but then, aren't we contributed to an already too large a circle of horribleness?

Life has no rules, That simple fact is what makes it both incredible and complicated. Our choices are subjective, and it is becoming increasingly difficult to trust that we will make the right one, to be comfortable with the ones we make.

While there are no rules there are simple truths. Two I've learned are this: Most importantly, love. This is all too easy . ..  but it is necessary for survival, it really is. A second and much more difficult truth, ironically, is that you must allow yourself to be loved. This is difficult for me, see paragraph five. I feel that I am not worthy of love, for whatever reason, I'm still working on that. But to be loved is to know love, and will in turn spread goodness. It sounds cliche, but good really does overtake the bad if you let it. We all, myself included, have to allow ourselves to believe that.

I can't change what any one says or does. I have to accept that.

While we were awaiting news of my uncle, there was an overwhelming outpouring of kind words from friends . . . people who had never even met him or us. I being extended family only saw a small bit of the outpouring and support, but what I saw was humbling. The way people came together during this tragedy, the metaphoric holding of hands and wiping of tears and unity that resulted. The way the searchers refused to give up reminded me that people are good, and people care for one another, no matter what a few nasty coworkers say to you, there are always more who would help you in your time of trial than would insult you.

These are the thoughts I take to my pillow tonight, for one night of many at least I know I will sleep well. Strive to be at peace, always see the good in the world, it's there. Be kind. Be truthful, be supportive to those who need you most. It will come back to you.

Black and white

are all I see . . .
red and yellow there came to be

    My mind has been programmed, wired, through a cosmic combination of chemicals, synapses, electricity, words and actions, fate, environment, and things I will never understand to see only extremes, the black and white of the life around me. I  have lived on one end of the spectrum or the other. The sun that keeps me alive also burns my fragile human skin, the words that I live to create with also destroy my self-esteem, my motivation, my will.
    As I have often said, life is full of great ironies. Another being the fact that one cannot know that their view is skewed, distorted if they have no basis of comparison. How do you explain light to someone who only knows dark? Where do you start with such an abstract topic?
    There are many ways to see the world; there is black and white and countless shades of gray in between. What’s your shade?
    For as long as I can remember, there has only been the black and white, I have lived my life in extremes with the illusion that it was normalcy. These extremes have allowed me to see both the most euphoric happiness, an extreme sense of creativity, of passion as well as the deepest depth that the human soul can experience, a sadness so dominating that it consumed me, literally forced all of my senses into dormancy. As many words exist to us, there are none that quite explain these highs and lows.
    It has been through brief fleeting glimpses into the lives of others, and their reaction to my extremes, that have allowed me to entertain the possibility that there was something in between, shades of gray that I can control, while even possibly adding some color. There is the possibility that I can step outside this, this comfort zone of cold and hot to feel the simple warmth that perhaps we are all intended to experience.
    Synthetics with names I cannot pronounce have opened a window into this world, they’ve slowed my racing thoughts to the pace equal to a steady walk. Controlled substance. . . it slings a rope around the untamed monster and brings it down to size, subdues and tames.
    When one breaks a wild horse, does the creature lose it’s spirit, or does it simply accept that this is the way life is supposed to be? Reined in and calm, predictable?
    This sort of numbness is frighteningly unfamiliar to me. It is as if I am high, drugged, the world around me is moving in slow motion. Even colors seem softer, my dreams have lessened in intensity and frequency. But, I can breathe. I no longer feel the tightness in my chest, the stiffness in my body that the intensity my mind had filtered into my body.
    These colors are beautiful, but are they real? I always try to look at both sides of things, and I wonder, was my mind the exception? Is the intensity, the extreme the way we are supposed to feel, and most of us have just evolved into living in some parallel? Remember the movie The Matrix? Ignorance is bliss . . .
    It is difficult to make the choice between living with my brain the way it was created and choosing to alter my chemicals with more chemicals. The lesser of the two evils, at this point in the game, seems to be to choose the calm. I have lived much to long in the reality, the reality that causes me to self destruct but also grants me the greatest creativity I have ever known.
    But, as much as it pains me to use an already overused expression, the branch that does not bend in the wind will break.
    Hand me the blue pill.

“What is real? How do you define 'real'? If you're talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste and see, then 'real' is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain.” Morpheus

The Stranger

    As a few people know, I often take a few moments to break away from cubical life and walk around Old Town Pocatello. Well, I did, before it froze over and became the windiest place on the face of the planet (I know that is a bit of an exaggeration, but it sure feels like it when you go outside).

    I do not necessarily participate in this quiet ritual for exercise, (though the physical benefits have been wonderful), I have found that taking even 15 minutes to get out of these four office walls and literally take a breath and mental reset my brain is one of the most refreshing things I am able to do. I am able to experience the different seasons from beyond the window, to not only see what is going on, but to smell, to hear. It sort of reminds me of being a kid, when 90 percent of my day was spent outside. (But that is another blog)  I did not realize how little time I spent outdoors until I started walking.

     Anyway, some of the people who mill around in these historic neighborhoods are interesting to say the least. I have seen people dressed in their finest to train folks camping out in the bushes at Simplot Square. But as strange as some of these people are, almost all of them say "hello."

    Then there was the one who said so much more.

    On one of my many foot fueled expeditions, I saw a quite elderly woman scooting along on the sidewalk about a block in front of me. She was sort of hunched over, as one would expect someone with so many years of life to be, and had a small, empty, canvas bag strapped to her right shoulder (now that I think about it, she was probably walking to the library). Not wanting to startle her as I passed, I announced my presence with a quick "hello" as I became within hearing distance.

   She turned, smiled, then returned my hello before striking up a conversation. I slowed my pace and walked with her for a bit. We talked about the weather, and how beautiful the particular day had become, and she told me some of her childhood memories, spending summers in Tetonia, how beautiful it was.

   When we came to the bridge over the river, we stopped and looked out through the chain link to watch the water drift by. She told me about growing up in a home literally right down the street from where we now stood, and about how one day she had gone out to play, and her mother, unable to find her, had become terrified that the child had fallen into the river. (History break:  Back then, of course, the Portneuf had no concrete channel and chain link to protect it from overflowing and people from falling in. Before that time, not only did it flood many times when the ice jammed in the spring, but it was responsible for the drownings of many small children.)

    Of course, she had not fallen into the water, but was innocently playing, and was discovered by her mother, unharmed and unaware of the panic her wandering had caused.

    I made a comment to the effect of "It is a good thing you were OK!" and she smiled a sweet, old lady smile, and pointed toward the sky and replied, "I know my boss upstairs, so I know that everything is OK."

    This is not about to take a turn into a religious tangent, by the way (seriously, please, come back), I will save a blog for religion when I am feeling more bold and particularly determined to tackle that topic.

    I have no idea what religion this gal is/was, and it does not matter. Nor does it really matter to me what anyone's religion is (see previous paragraph). What struck me about her statement at that moment was the conviction, the confidence, the calmness with which she spoke. Here was a lady who had seen at least 80 years, the inventions of the computer, cell phones, man walking on the moon, etc. The stories she could tell, and, based on her willingness to speak to me about her childhood, would be more than willing to, given an afternoon.

    And she was not afraid of anything. Here she was, walking by herself, striking up a conversation with a complete stranger. She was living, not just existing, and she was happy. Not just content, but genuinely happy to be alive. How many people can say that?

   There are those who would say she was just lonely and glad to have someone to talk to, but I would retort that she was not lonely at all, and her talking to me was not because she finally had an ear to listen and was simply taking the opportunity. She was talking and sharing with me because we were two people whose paths had happened to literally cross one afternoon. Why not speak and share? Why be afraid? It was completely natural to her.

     I will never know a time when it was not normal to be afraid. In the 33 years I have been alive it has been normal to have electric fences and security systems, caller ID and deadbolts on our doors. Parents told us to not talk to strangers because they might shove us into a smelly old van and drive away.  It must have been wonderful to not be afraid.

   I have purposely taken that path several times since that day, and have not had the pleasure of meeting her again since that day. Sometimes I wonder if she was even real. But, even if she wasn't . . . that's OK,  I was not afraid. :)

Resolutions and realizations

     Last  year my New Year's Resolution was to get healthy. That may seem like a general and over-used statement/goal, but for me, it meant not just body, but mind. For me, in fact, it was more about mind than body. We spend billions of dollars as a society making ourselves healthy on the outside . . . stronger, thinner, smoother, while ignoring our mental state. . . but that is another blog.

    I decided, with full confidence, that I was tired of certain things going on in my head that seemed to control me, rather than the other way around. I decided to try to get rid of the voices (not literal voices, I am not THAT crazy) that told me I was not worthy of all the wonderful things life has to offer, including myself and my own strengths.  I had avoided this for so long for several reasons, the two biggest being I did not know where to start and the second being absolutely terrified.

    The biggest differences between a mental illness and a physical one is the treatment and the stigmatization. If you tell someone you're sick, they look at you sympathetically and quickly rush to diagnose your issue so that they may quickly toss you a variety of pills like candy. We are so quick to rush to medication . . . that's another blog. Where was I?

   Oh ya. But, if you tell someone you're sick and that it is in your head, not your body, watch how quickly they disappear from your life. The images that come with the phrase "mental illness" include wild-haired people wrapped up in straight jackets, eating bugs off the wall in a padded room in a dungeon-like room with bars over the windows. People have been lead to believe that it is somehow contagious. That the mere glance from the afflicted person will leave them in a similar state. Tell someone you are bipolar, or have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or Trichotillomania, (wow, that word is not even in the dictionary here, it is underlined red) and watch the terrified look spread across their face. You have just disrupted their safe little world, so you are now a threat.

    Even a hundred years ago, people whose mental ailments could not be understood where treated like test subjects, lab rats, poked and prodded, shocked and starved, tossed away because it made the "normal" folks feel safer. I for one am grateful for the advancements in modern medicine, particularly the mental health aspect.

   I read a lot . . . I can't imagine a world without books. There is something soothing about turning the pages, hearing the sound and feeling the whoosh as the page turns. The day when all books are digital will be awful for me . . . I don't know what I will do . . . wait, I am going off on a tangent again. Where was I?

    I have decided to stop being afraid and figure this out, this thing in my head that tells me to literally tear myself apart every day, the issues that have made me believe that I did not deserve to see the light of day. There are several ignorant people in my life who would tell me, "that is not so bad, it's easy, you just don't want to do it." To them I say a big **** you. Twice. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done. You go face your worst fear, being heights, gravity, clowns, whatever. I dare you to look it in the eye. Jackass.

    Wait, where was I? Oh ya. In this research and conquering this, I have learned a few things. For one, everyone has a demon. Those who say they don't are liars or ignoring it. Everyone has something in their head that they wish they could be rid off. It is all relative. Mine just happens to be a little bit more obvious because what starts on the inside shows itself with my physical self. It is all relative.

    Another thing is that I am OK. I can live with this, I know that it will never completely go away, but I can live with it. I have to accept it. Fighting for its complete exile from my body and mind is a waste of energy.
 
    There are a few people in the world who do not think I am crazy. Even people I have never met. There are understanding, non judgemental people in the world. And I love them!

    As I decided to get healthy mentally, I decided to work on my physical health as well. I do not thing I am unhealthy, mind you, I have never thought I was fat, but I recognize that physical and mental health work together. So why not work on them at the same time?

    A lot of our mental issues come from the food we eat. All the preservatives, dyes, etc. are poisoning us. No, I am not turning into a granola eating hippy (no offense to you granola eating hippys out there) but we put so much crap into our bodies it is no wonder we are all crazy to an extent.

   In the last year I have completely stopped drinking soda. I drink water all day. I have a reusable water bottle that I just fill up all day. I make sure I eat breakfast everyday, and bring healthy snacks to work with me. I take vitamins every morning, it is easy to remember because I already have to take medication every morning anyway, why not toss a big 'ol vitamin down the gullet while I am at it?
 
    I have been trying to find simple and easy ways to incorporate exercise into my daily routine. I walk the dog or do arm curls with one of my massive hardback Stephen King books (Under the Dome, have you read it?).

    I have been working hard at "unplugging," I rarely get on Facebook anymore, and rather than watch TV I color or draw or read. I exercise my mind.

   Just yesterday I started doing Pilates again. Yes, again, there is a lot of things you did not know about me, young grasshoppa. Holy crap, that is a workout. Ya know that Alicia Keys song "Girl On Fire,"  I figured it out, she just did Pilates. 

   All of my hard work is beginning to pay off. I feel great. I feel healthy, and I am so happy. The biggest thing I have discovered is that I am stronger that I ever could have imagined. I never knew I could be this determined.  I have always loved stories of people who overcome something that others told them was impossible. I have been drawn to those stories because I have always known that I wanted to overcome.

    I can't believe that I can say I am grateful for the challenges that I have been given, but there really is no better word. I am a stronger, more grounded and realistic person because of it. I am testing the limitations of my body and mind, and have not found any yet. I am not sick, I am not crazy, I have just been given a very unique and trying challenge. But, they say the big man upstairs does not give you more than you can handle, so I guess I should be flattered.

   I have also discovered that there are a lot of negative people in my life. Both by choice and by proximity. I know several people who think they are or should be the center of the universe. . .  which perplexes me. They can't all be right, right? Is there layers to the center of the universe? Maybe they can share their domination . . .

   Wait, getting off topic again. My New Year's Resolution of 2014 is to avoid all nouns of negativity. That is, people, places and things. Mostly people. I am avoiding the vexatious people in my life. Including certain people in my family. That may seem harsh, but where I have made so much progress, I can't be dragged down right now by anyone. I am on a roll, but that moment could easily be knocked off kilter. I need to stay strong. No offense. I need to do this for me, to get better. I have avoiding this for so long also, because I have been led to believe that doing anything positive for me was selfish. . . .

I am starting to ramble now, so this needs to wrap up.
I don't think I am even going to post this blog. I just needed to write it. Writing is my greatest therapy. I have to speak the things that are in my head, or else they will just bounce around in my brain like a bouncy ball on crack. Ahhhh, no I can take a deep breath and get on with my day. :)