I chipped my tooth while I was eating lunch today. Sometimes when I'm chewing I accidentally bite down on the bar. Today it chipped one of my molars. I guess I should take that thing out for good, I've had it for about 15 years. I'm too old for that shit anyway.
I start my second job tomorrow. I have to be there at 5 p.m. and I get off at my regular job at 5 p.m. I told my boss I had to leave early and he was very understanding. So by the time I get off work at about 10 tomorrow night I'll have put in about 14 hours. I'm not complaining, it's only temporary, just seasonal. I know I can handle it. I was working full time and going to school full time during the last few months of college. . . and I had a toddler at home.
I can't believe how much we've gone through the last couple of years . . . Mike breaking his foot, getting into a car accident, hiring a lawyer to fight the insurance and not getting the claim settled and having one vehicle for 7 months, Aria moving to Kansas City, my unexpected surgery, my car engine blowing up and costing roughly a grand to fix, Mike's vehicle breaking down and costing us $650 to fix (so we did not have a running vehicle for about a week), now my phone is on the fritz. I've gone back and forth between being on the verge of breaking down and wondering what I did to deserve all this to being just kind of numb to it. There's only so much I have control over. This will pass, things will get better.
I miss Aria so much. I can't believe I have not seen her since July 11. I'm counting the days 'til I can hold her. For awhile in our lives it was just the two of us and she's taught me alot.
Since my phone has been messed up for a couple of days I haven't been on Facebook with the exception of the post about getting a second job. It's been great, all that political crap was making me crazy.
The last week or so I have not wanted to talk to anybody, and I mean anybody, including close friends and family. I want to hide in my office at work and shut the door and then come home and close all the blind and lock the doors and just hibernate. I don't want to be social. I hope no one takes it personal. I guess this is what a "normal" person's depression is like, I'm not depressed, not by my standards anyway. I am actually holding up better than I would have thought. I'm just overwhelmed and I don't want a lot of outside . . . err . . . ness to make me more overwhelmed. If you know me at all you know that I tend to absorb everything around me. . . the good, the bad and the ugly. My senses are constantly on overload, most people just don't notice it. I watch the ants on the sidewalk, I can usually tell what kind of wood is burning by the smell of the smoke coming from the nearby chimney. I can close my eyes and isolate sounds . .. the bird chirping in the tree on the other side of the river from my secret bench, the motorcycle accelerating from the stop light a couple of streets behind me. It's harder than it sounds, no pun intended (but that was a pretty good pun, am I right?!).
The point is I need the quiet sometimes.
I have had so much to say lately. I could fill the pages of an entire notebook with all the thoughts and poetic phrases bouncing around in my head. I come up with some of the most beautiful, clever, thought provoking things during the mysterious moments in between closing my eyes and falling asleep. The moments when I can still hear the box fan humming but am starting to lose the ability to distinguish which direction it's coming from. Some of the stuff I've come up with is epic, and it is hard for me to say anything good about my writing. I try my best to remember it so I can write it down in the morning. By the time this stuff magically pops into my brain I'm at the point where I am so close to sleep that I can't make myself get up and pull out a notebook. It's very vexing, but I'm grateful for the poetry and prose while it lasts.
I have really intense Stephen King style dreams. A lot of stuff that would make great movies. I dream a lot about situations that require making a big and difficult decision. I dream about fire a lot too. There's usually something stalking, like a monster, sometimes real and sometimes metaphorical. Sometimes when I close my eyes and focus I can remember bits and pieces, but I wish the recollections were as clear as the original showing.
It's cold outside today. Then again I'm always cold. I must be a woman.
Watch the weather change
I already miss the sun, but I'm looking forward to the serenity that winter brings. Everything has seasons, everything cycles.
I've been drawing a lot lately. There has not been a moment in the last few weeks that I have not felt like creating. Not sure why, but I have to learn to not question everything and just let some things be.
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