For a long, long time I have wondered who I am. I have wondered about life and all the strange things that it takes to make an hour, a month, a life, an individual.
I think too much, I know, but maybe that will pay off some day.
Forrest Gump said,
"I don't know if we all have a destiny, or if we are all just floating around on a breeze, accidental like. I think maybe it's both."
I want to know why I love the sky, why I hate pickles, why I have blue eyes and freckles, what causes my thoughts to turn the way they do. What and who and why I am who I am.
I have been studying family history, and that has helped a little. It seems all of my ancestors were very generous and loved to help people. My great, great, great grandfather loved children and nature and had blue eyes, much like me.
But most of the stuff I have learned has been things like the fact that the first Wixom (then spelled Wixam) came to America from England on the Mayflower in 1630. The family lived there for generations before the west started being settled and they started branching out. To New York, Ohio, Michigan, Texas, Utah and California. One of my ancestors was headed to California to work the gold rush, when, along the way a man convinced him he should settle in Utah instead. He did, and from there the family moved to Paris, Idaho and the Burly areas, and finally Groveland, near Blackfoot, where many of them now are buried.
I have thought about that . . . that that one conversation between two people I will never meet helped to determine where I grew up. If he had not been convinced to move to Utah I may very well live in California right now (And I would have stock in a major sunscreen brand!) And throughout the history of my family's life and all of ours, a million little decisions such as that have determined where we all are and who we all know, where we all work and what we hate and love.
Is it all a big plan? Or is it all coincidence?
What about things like having a dream about someone who have not seen for years, and then the next day you run into them in a grocery store? Of having a bad feeling about someone at a certain moment in time and then the next day finding out they were in an accident or something? Or, my favorite, meeting people that you know you were meant to meet. People who you simply click with, with no explanation or reason other than you just feel like you have known that person for years. Or meeting someone that hurts you more than you have ever been hurt, but then, learning from that hurt and having it turn you into a better, stranger you. You can't regret that hurt, you can't regret that person, he or she made your life better.
I am not the wisest person on the earth and I will never claim to be, but I have learned a few things.
I really do believe that every thing happens for a reason. I think that we ignore so many of the signs around us that things are going the way they are meant to. We try to force our lives and destiny instead of just doing what is right and best. I have been probably the most guilty of this.. . .
One of the hardest things to do is to un-train your mind from something that you have always known, always believed. And some of the greatest battles ever fought are internal. I am still practicing, every day. Some days it's hopeless, others I feel I make progress. But mostly importantly, I am happy! That is a really big deal for me!
This is one of my favorite songs, because it expresses in 4 minutes exactly what I could never say in a hundred pages! I love Lacuna Coil!
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