The power of forgiveness

A weird thing happened today . . . not that anyone cares but I feel the need to get it out because I have been thinking about it all afternoon.

It requires a back story....

A few years ago, not long after my daughter's father and I split up, I went out to have a few drinks with some friends. That night I ran into a girl who had been a good friend of mine in high school. I had not seen her in years and was so excited to see her! I started talking to her, and instead of being happy to see me as well, she was very cold and irritated. She informed me that back in the day I had broken a huge promise that I had made her and basically ruined her life.

I don't think I have ever been so shocked in my life. I had no idea what she was talking about. I tried to talk to her, but she and a friend sitting next to her got more and more agitated until I thought they were gonna try to fight me or something.

I hate hate hate confrontation, and this is not high school... so I gave it up and walked away.

I am sure I worry way too much, and that night was no exception. I sat on the side walk and just cried and racked my brain trying to figure out what I had done wrong (next to me was a friend who has since said something to me that I have not been able to forgive, ironically). I could not imagine myself doing something so hurtful to a good friend. And she was a good friend, I drove her home from school everyday, we had known each other since we were little kids. I would never, ever hurt her like that. That is not me. There just had to be some misunderstanding. If I did do the terrible thing she had said I did, I do not remember it, and if I did, I would certainly offer her a thousand apologies and wonder what the hell was wrong with me.

High school kids do stupid things. Apologies to any high school family and friends reading this. Maybe I should re-phrase. I did stupid things when I was in high school. We all say things we don't mean and do things with out thinking of the consequences. I am not one of those people who will claim to have never done anything wrong or said something that has hurt someone's feelings. The point is, if I did do something like that I would admit to it now because I know better.

I have thought about that night off and on over the years, wondering if she would ever forgive me for something I don't remember doing, wondering if there was a misunderstanding, etc.

I found her profile on myspace once and decided to write her a very heart felt letter. I explained everything I just did above, and told her that if she did not respond I would take that as a "F-U" and would not bother her again. She did not respond.

I have not thought it a lot lately. I havew made a point to put all things negative aside and focus on how great my life is now. I feel healthier.

I ran into her today. She was picking her kid up from day care while I was there trying to figure out where to take Devin after my grandpa has surgery on Friday.

I froze. What the hell would she say, we were like two of only three of four people in the building. I thought she would stare me down, call me a nasty name, something, anything. She made it clear a few years ago that her hate for me was boundless.

But she didn't. She talked to me. I was telling the day care provider about my baby boy, and this person who had wanted to kill me a few years earlier asked me how old he is and introduced me to her son. We chatted for a minute about how great the place was and how much her son loved it there. I told her that our kids were about the same age, etc. We just chatted for a minute, then we each left, going about the rest of the day as if nothing had happened.

My heart was pounding when I got into the car. I don't know what to make of it. I want to believe that she has either forgiven me for the awful thing she says I did to her, or if she realized that I did not do it after all.

I over analyze things and I care too much. But if she had not been a good friend back in the day I would not care so much. I think life is like a great novel you are reading for the first time, there are twists and turns and surprise characters in every chapter. But in the end it all makes sense and you don't want it to be over. This will make sense.