I've still got it . . .

I remember a time, when I was 15, 16 or so, when insomnia ruled my life. I literally would stay awake for hours every night. Sometimes exhausted, sometimes burdened with the thoughts of the day, sometimes just simply not tired. I memorized the shapes the shadows from the headlights of passing cars would make on my wall, and followed the light with glassy eyes as the light moved faster and faster around my bed room walls .. .my own personal light show.....

Now I almost think I would sell my soul for an few hours of deep sleep. Just a few. That's all I will take, I promise.

That is just one of the things that have evolved in my life in the last ten years since I pushed myself out of the nest and joined "the real world." I have been dealing with that a lot lately, the "holy s***, I am almost 30." I am responsible now... I have two small children to take care of, a full time job, finding alone time for my hubby and I, bills . . . . I still can't sleep, but for different reasons.

I went to a concert last night. . . I have gotten really into concert photography lately and there was this great band from Utah performing and I wanted to help them out.
There is a certain rush you get from going to a concert, and it is even better when the show is in a small, underground club with 30 people. The lights, the smell, the people. We are all friends, though we've never met. If you get knocked down I'll pick you up, and you'll do the same for me. There is just this unspoken code that we all follow. This is the only place where some fit in.Some people want to close down all these little clubs. ... saying music promotes violence... I would argue to the contrary, music soothes the savage beast. But that is a different blog...
Looking around last night at all the high school kids, especially the 14 year old girls who no way in hell walked out of their houses wearing what they were that night, I thought, "is my time over? Am I too old for this? Do I stand out here?"
Back in the day my friends and I went to this little place called the Roach. Believe me, it was aptly named. But it was amazing. We saw bands like System of A Down, Static X and Sevendust before they were big. I crowd surfed, I got in the pit with the boys. Not because I wanted to be cool .. . but because that was and is who I am. There is a rush that comes with floating around on top of a crowd, trusting the hands of complete strangers, that no drug can provide. I knew it was not normal for a girl to be into this stuff...I was supposed to be listening to techno and light jazz right?
But my group of friends have always known who I am, and for that I am grateful, and some of the best nights in my life have been spent in a little warehouse on First Ave. in Pocatello.
Last night while I was watching the familiar chaos before a show, sound checks, extension cords and last minute make up checks from the groupies, I wondered if I still belong to the club.Do I still "get it?" The code could not have changed that much in the last 10 years, right? What would these high school kids think if I got in the pit and showed them how it's done?
I love my family. I would not trade what I have now for the world. But every once in awhile I need some reassurance, something that reminds me I still have the passion for  a live show that I had when I was "young."  I got that last night.I felt great, and it has stuck with me all day. Thanks to the amazing bands who have let me into their worlds via an interview and hanging out at a show, I have some GREAT rock n' roll stories from some of the most famous rock musicians of the last few decades, and some of the most talented local bands from Idaho and Utah.
It does not matter how old I get, I will always know who I am, and the people who matter in my life do too. Now I think it is time for me to try that sleep thing . . .