Music as a weapon

Having a lot to say is quite the curse, especially since technology offers me so many ways to get my words "out." I don't know where to start. Which topic should I tackle? Writing has always been therapy for me, and I have kept a journal since I was about 6 years old. It is fascinating to go back and read old entries and see how much I have changed, both for better and worse.

One thing that has always been a constant in my life is music.My mom listened to things like the Eagles, Fleetwood Mac, The Beatles, Three Dog Night, Aerosmith, Kansas, etc.and my dad listened to Black Sabbath, Metallica, Blue Oyster Cult, KISS, The Who, Led Zepplin Iron Maiden, etc. You could say I had a first class musical upbringing. And I soaked it up like a sponge.When we would go camping I could hardly wait to get up in the mountains enough for the radio station to fade out because I knew that is when a CD . . . well, back then it was a tape.

When I was a toddler I would dance every time my dad put a certain KISS record on. I don't knw why it was that one album, I just loved it. And from a young age I was fascinated by female rockers like Pat Benetar. My mom played one of her records one night while she was making dinner, and I remember asking her to put it on again after it was over.

Somehow though, and I don't know how,  I always knew it was "wrong" for girls to like rock and roll. In school whenever someone asked me what kind of music I listened to I always responded, shyly, "country." I thought I would be more accepted, and that it was more appropriate and "normal" for a little red headed freckled girl from po-dunk Blackfoot, Idaho to listen to country than anything else.

What I never admitted to anybody was that secretly when my parents would leave to go to town to run errands (we lived wayyyy out in Riverside outside Blackfoot) I would swipe my dad's cassette of the Metallica "Black" album and go back to my room and listen to songs like The Unforgiven and Nothing Else Matters and hope and pray they would not come home and catch their 11 year-old daughter listening to Metallica and promptly sign me up for counseling.

Then grunge happened. Sigh, you say, grunge was the death of metal. You must remember, in 1992 I was 11 years old . ..  just starting middle school and starting to get into music.The first time I heard "Smells Like Teen Spirit" my mom was driving a friend and I to the Blackfoot swimming pool. I will never know how to explain it, but the first time I heard that songs something changed inside me. Really. That sounds crazy and cliche, but it is true. I never thought of music the same. I felt like it was something that was written for my generation. Hair metal was about drugs, sex, and excess. I was 11, what the hell did I know about that stuff? Nirvana talked about being angry and misunderstood, not knowing where you fit in in the world and seeking your place. I could relate to that. In many ways I still can.

Then there came of course "Jeremy" "Fell On Black Days," "Black Hole Sun," and more . . . and of course there had always been Alice in Chains. They are one of the greatest bands ever, and "Would?" is one of the greatest songs ever written. Beautiful, haunting, meaningful.Gorgeous. And I get it.

Broken, like my master, teach me, young child, love therafter . . .
so I made a big mistake, try to see it once my way . . .

Two of the most beautiful things in this world are music and poetry. And modern music combines both. Jim Morrison of The Doors and Bob Dylan are, in my opinion, two of the greatest poets of the last century. And talented musicians. Have you ever read any of Morrison's poerty? It is AMAZING.

Music and lyric speak to me in a way that nothing else has ever been able to. So many people believe, especially in a world filled with violence, that listening to bands like Metallica and Slipknot will make a person want to kill because they talk about killing and death. Apparently these people have never listened to the song "Midnight in Montgomery" by Alan Jackson. It tells the story of a wife who kills her abusive spouse. But it is country music so it is "Wholesome" and Ok.

Pop songs are so manufactured and fake . . ..  they are written by other people and "assigned" to cute bubble gum pop stars to sing so they can make money. I can't respect that.

Many people believe that all metal songs encourage delinquency, destruction, murder and retaliation. .. in truth most rock songs encourage believing in yourself and not letting people get you down. Many of them also have a political message, telling people to think for themselves. Almost every album has a song of lost love, an "I miss you, wish you were still here" message that many people can relate to.
People listen to the music they do because it speaks to them. The music I listen to calms me. If I am having  bad day I can plug in a CD and say, "ya know, this is not so bad, other people know how I feel." And I take a deep breath and lose myself in the music.

I had a pretty stressfull day today . . . . so while my baby was asleep and my hubby was watching TV I took a hot bubble bath and listened to some tunes. One of those songs was "Would?" It reminded me of a time when I was a teenager and I was so depressed I would sit in my room and cut my arms because I was desperate to see my blood to remind myself I was still alive. Severe depression is not something I would wish on anyone, but that is another blog . . ..

As I listened to the song, I thought about how far I have come and how happy I am now. It was a reminder like no other. Music is therapy. It is real. It is modern poetry. It is a voice for people who don't fit in. It is the "clique" you never had. It is better than drugs, but more addictive. If I did not have music I would probably be addicted to meth or something, seriously. Everyone needs a vice. This is mine. Someday someone will understand.