Nothing in particular

Everyone says his or her life is boring, myself included. I go to work, I go home, I go to work, I go home. But really, the more I pay attention to the people, places and things around me and even my own thoughts the less boring I become. 

For example, several nights ago my dream included a nun and a wet chicken. I was the chicken. There's no explanation for that in my dream dictionary, so I will just have to accept that I won't know the meaning behind that nocturnal adventure. 

What else? I screwed pretty royally at work today. I accidentally billed a client twice. Most sane people would say that's not a big deal, the charge can be credited, but we all know that there are a fair share of extremely crazy people. So, of all the people I could have accidentally billed, in a Murphy's Law sort of way I happened to pick the craziest one. Super. The customer is not always right, sometimes the customer is bat-shit crazy. 

So rather than go home, sit on my couch and eat leftovers for lunch I went for a walk. People really should take walks more often. Not only is it exercise, but it's very meditative, thoughts can wander without getting boxed in by annoying things like other people and work. 

I happened upon some vines with leaves far more red than anything I've ever seen on fall foliage. It was so beautiful. I wish more people noticed these things. I wish I'd had my digital SLR camera.

I talked to Aria on the phone for more than a hour yesterday. We're making plans to get her here for Christmas. I am going to fly to Kansas City and spend a couple days there and then fly back with her. Knowing that plans to spend time with her are coming together gives me chills, I can't wait. That's all I want for Christmas, to be with her. 

She's having mixed feelings about being there. She texted me a few nights ago telling me that she wants to come back here. I told her that if she really wants to come back I will make it happen. But I want her to really weigh the pros and cons of both places -- it's  not like she just moved to Idaho Falls or something, she lives 17 hours away, she can't go back and forth to live every few months. She told me that she should have thought it out more. She told me that being without Mike, Devin and I is like losing a limb. But at the same time she does not want to disappoint her dad.  I hate that she's dealing with this. She's stressed and scared. I want to fix this for her and I can't . . .

Devin turned 7 last week. I can't believe he is already 7, it really does seem like he was in diapers just last year. People tell you that your child will grow up fast, but you really don't get it until you experience it first hand. He's so much more independent than he was even last year. He tells us he's going outside to play with friends and off he goes! He used to be afraid to go next door to ask if the little neighbor girl could play. He's so much more confident now and I am so proud of him!

He learned a song in school and he's been singing it the last couple of days . . . "Have you ever seen a bear comb his hair? Have you ever seen a moose kissing a goose?" He's silly. 

I have been feeling very artistic lately. I just can't stop drawing and painting. I really don't think I've ever felt the urge to create more than I do now. Not sure where it's coming from, but I like it.  I've been drawing these zentangle things. I have always loved them, so I decided to draw them. Whether I am good at it or not has yet to be determined. 

I've also been dismantling pallets and sanding them down with the hopes of painting them and turning them into something beautiful. I've started one with a tree and birds. . . I know what I am going to add to it, but I don't want to give it away.

We're still trying to figure out what to do with my car. . . one way or the other I have to get something to drive, whether we put all the money in to fix mine or we buy something else . . . having one vehicle for both Mike and I sucks. 

I feel sort of stuck, like I need a change. That's not to say I'm not happy, I am so happy! But I need to do something major, something big. I need to unleash my potential . . . it's in there somewhere. I need to stop being afraid. My kids have both shown so much confidence in the last six months, so I need to find mine. 

I'm still trying to figure out what's going on in my head. I have these major moments where I think I am conquering my body image issues, but then I take two steps back. I hate photos of myself, and by hate I mean I avoid them at all costs. We were goofing off at a Halloween store a couple of weeks ago and I took a dorky picture of myself wearing Princess Laya hair. I decided to challenge myself and make it my Facebook profile photo. I know that seems super casual to most people, but it took some serious guts for me to post a photo of myself looking like a goof ball for the world to see. I have always told myself that I would never post a photo of myself on Facebook unless I was supermodel perfect. Posting that photo was a big deal for me, laugh and snicker if you want. 

And yet, at Devin's birthday party a few days ago I would not let anyone take my photo. No way, no how, it was not going to happen. It was the complete polar opposite of how I'd felt when I posted the Facebook photo. The thought of having my photo taken this time was literally nauseating. It felt to me that it should not have even been considered. I wanted to hide in another room. I don't get it. I hate battling with myself more than anything. 

I'm rambling now, so I should stop. 

Missing my daughter

I wish I could make time stand still, just for a moment, let me breathe this all in before I move on. I can't keep up. Maybe that's how it is supposed to be. Or maybe the sense of urgency in everything is brought on by a capitalistic society influencing us 24/7 and convincing us we need more, that we're not enough.


Sleep evaded me last night. Big surprise.

Downstairs I sat near an open window, breathing in the cool air and wishing to have the kind of peace the darkness of night envelops. I watched the moon ascend, making the branches of the neighbor's tree look like skeleton arms reaching up toward some unknown companion.

It's strange how we are all under the same moon, the same stars, and yet we feel so alone. Darkness amplifies distance — it's the price pay for its serenity.

I miss my daughter more every day. I thought it would be hard at first and then get easier. At first it just seemed like she was on vacation, like she'd be back in a few weeks. Now that I see her face on social media, posting about her interests and projects, her classes and friends, and it hits me that she had started a new life there, 980.7 miles away.

Her physical absence here has left a wound in me as dark as this night that now seems to be holding me hostage.

And yet at the same time I am overflowing with pride. She's shown that she has so much more courage than I, even though my time on this earth more than duplicates hers. At her age I would have never been able to move that far away from my friends and family with nothing but the promise that I'd be Ok.

She made a very adult decision, and she's shown in that and in other ways how strong-willed and undeterred she is.

I found a fitting inspirational quote online last week that I immediately knew I had to send her. It was something to the effect of that, I hope my daughter knows that she can accomplish anything she wants, I hope she sees the value I see in her . . . that type of thing.  Her response, "I already know that ;)"

And she does.

I suppose it is a bit selfish to want her here, when I know she is doing well where she is, but she'll always be my baby, and not being able to hug her is driving me batty. I don't want any gifts for my birthday or Christmas, I just want to hold my daughter, that's it.

She's excelling at school, all As and Bs, she's continuing to learn how to play the violin. She will be taking art classes next semester, and though I admit I am a bit biased, she is really a great artist. Her work amazes me, and I really hope she keeps it up.

She'll be 13 in a couple of months, pretty hard to believe.

These are the things that keep me up at night.

The moon had risen above the skeleton tree at that point, and the night air had turned from cool to brisk. I knew I should try to sleep, but I know myself well enough to know that it would be several hours yet.

I usually have some clever, quirky ending to all of my entries, but this time I am drawing a blank. I'll attribute that to my sleepless night.