I had the urge to write earlier today. The last few weeks have been trying, to say the least. My family experienced the unexpected and tragic death of my uncle, who died doing what he loved, fishing near the family cabin at the Blackfoot Reservoir.
My little brother is going through a nasty divorce... dealing with someone who refuses to listen to reason and will hurt any one to get her way.
I spelled a name wrong in one of my articles in the paper, it was one letter in one last name in a literal cast of characters, and another person in the cast sent me an email that was "over the top" as one person called it. He called my job into question and said my article was laughable.
The previous week I'd been distracted, I tried to explain, both to him and myself. Knowing that people in your family are in unimaginable pain, waiting for your loved ones body to be found or to hear word from a lawyer that your niece has been born and that she's healthy . . . I'm not one to make excuses, but I'm definitely one to feel the need to prove myself, even to those I don't know and whose opinion shouldn't matter. I'm human, I should not have to explain that.
The email completely derailed me. I live in constant fear of not being good enough, of failing, of screwing up in a very public way. Everyone has their issues, of course, and an unnatural and unreasonable fear of inadequacy is one of mine. I can't explain, after all, if I could I would know more about the root of this issue and may be able to fix it, now wouldn't I?
I voiced a concern to a co worker that perhaps I would not be the best person to write the entertainment articles moving forward, that perhaps a freelance writer could take over that, leaving me more time to focus on my online duties, which includes managing seven plus web sites. This coworker proceeded to become very upset with me . . . she called me manipulative and selfish. I think that hurt more than the email.
That was Monday. I'm still so hurt it is hard to concentrate on anything else. This person, this coworker is . . . well, that was what my original blog was to be about. The way I've always covered for her during vacations, but she won't so much as check my email when I am gone, the way she takes every holiday week off so that she earns an extra week by the end of the year because of the automatic paid holidays, preventing me from taking any holiday time off. I asked once, for one day off on a holiday week, to which she replied "I won't change my vacation for anyone." The person who goes home because her foot hurts or she's "stressed out," leaving me to do all her work. The person who blamed me for one of her mistakes to our boss right in front of me. This is the person who called me manipulative and selfish. I wish I were making this up, but people like this exist.
I've kept my mouth shut about her for so long, I've strived to "take the high road" and "be the bigger person" for so long, but I would be lying if I said it did not get to me. When does karma kick in? It's so tempting to inflict my own passive vengeance, to make these people realize what douchbags they are . . .
I took a step back this afternoon, maybe three or four. Scrolling through Facebook while waiting for the dryer to buzz a video link intrigued me. A news report from Texas about a couple who were anxiously awaiting the arrival of their first baby only to learn that he had a rare genetic disorder and would not survive long after birth. They allowed cameras in for the birth, then as they took the baby home and the moments before he died in his father's arms. The talked about how they were given the option to have an abortion, but chose not to because they wanted to be able to meet their baby. They were comforted by the fact that all he would know in his short life was love.
I think a lot, too much, ironically, but it was a reminder that we are always given a choice. No matter how grim our circumstances are there is a choice. We can chose to be angry, and often are, we can be spiteful and mean and vindictive, but then, aren't we contributed to an already too large a circle of horribleness?
Life has no rules, That simple fact is what makes it both incredible and complicated. Our choices are subjective, and it is becoming increasingly difficult to trust that we will make the right one, to be comfortable with the ones we make.
While there are no rules there are simple truths. Two I've learned are this: Most importantly, love. This is all too easy . .. but it is necessary for survival, it really is. A second and much more difficult truth, ironically, is that you must allow yourself to be loved. This is difficult for me, see paragraph five. I feel that I am not worthy of love, for whatever reason, I'm still working on that. But to be loved is to know love, and will in turn spread goodness. It sounds cliche, but good really does overtake the bad if you let it. We all, myself included, have to allow ourselves to believe that.
I can't change what any one says or does. I have to accept that.
While we were awaiting news of my uncle, there was an overwhelming outpouring of kind words from friends . . . people who had never even met him or us. I being extended family only saw a small bit of the outpouring and support, but what I saw was humbling. The way people came together during this tragedy, the metaphoric holding of hands and wiping of tears and unity that resulted. The way the searchers refused to give up reminded me that people are good, and people care for one another, no matter what a few nasty coworkers say to you, there are always more who would help you in your time of trial than would insult you.
These are the thoughts I take to my pillow tonight, for one night of many at least I know I will sleep well. Strive to be at peace, always see the good in the world, it's there. Be kind. Be truthful, be supportive to those who need you most. It will come back to you.
