Busy day

Busy day today, too much going on.

I am meeting with my head doctor at 10 a.m. I am not sure what to call her. She's not a counselor, she's a psychiatrist. I guess that is the same thing.  She just checks in on me every few months to make sure that the medications are working for me. I am out of my anxiety pills. It took me a long time to go through them, I guess that is a good thing.

But I have needed them more lately than I did when they were first prescribed. Like I said, a lot going on.

I have another appointment at 11:20, but I am not at liberty to discuss that one at this time. Nothing bad, just a bit unexpected.

Just when I think my strength will give out I surprise myself. I often feel like I am just going to break, and some times I do, about twice a year I have a major depressive episode. My last one was a few months ago. We talk of physical pain in terms of its severity, 1-10 with ten being the worst, but being in pain mentally can be just be as bad. I woke up as a different person. . . I do some times. And I knew, I knew. I curled up on my bed, as tightly as I could, and just cried for hours. No rhyme or reason. It physically hurts because you're imploding. And you can't do anything but let it run it's course, just like an illness, you can't rush it away. Then when you "wake up" it is difficult to remember those few hours.  It's like those few hours of your life are just gone, they didn't exist, it's just a black hole.

But my strength always comes back. I can say honestly that I am determined, and when I'm "sane" I'm incredibly focused. I'm more passionate than most people, and in some respects much more calm and reserved.

I fight to stay optimistic, and I'm surprised to say that it is getting easier. Optimism is a word that was once not in my vocabulary. I don't know where it comes from, but I guess everyone has a secret reserve of strength that comes out when they need it most.

Today will be a good day, right?