Resolutions and realizations

     Last  year my New Year's Resolution was to get healthy. That may seem like a general and over-used statement/goal, but for me, it meant not just body, but mind. For me, in fact, it was more about mind than body. We spend billions of dollars as a society making ourselves healthy on the outside . . . stronger, thinner, smoother, while ignoring our mental state. . . but that is another blog.

    I decided, with full confidence, that I was tired of certain things going on in my head that seemed to control me, rather than the other way around. I decided to try to get rid of the voices (not literal voices, I am not THAT crazy) that told me I was not worthy of all the wonderful things life has to offer, including myself and my own strengths.  I had avoided this for so long for several reasons, the two biggest being I did not know where to start and the second being absolutely terrified.

    The biggest differences between a mental illness and a physical one is the treatment and the stigmatization. If you tell someone you're sick, they look at you sympathetically and quickly rush to diagnose your issue so that they may quickly toss you a variety of pills like candy. We are so quick to rush to medication . . . that's another blog. Where was I?

   Oh ya. But, if you tell someone you're sick and that it is in your head, not your body, watch how quickly they disappear from your life. The images that come with the phrase "mental illness" include wild-haired people wrapped up in straight jackets, eating bugs off the wall in a padded room in a dungeon-like room with bars over the windows. People have been lead to believe that it is somehow contagious. That the mere glance from the afflicted person will leave them in a similar state. Tell someone you are bipolar, or have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or Trichotillomania, (wow, that word is not even in the dictionary here, it is underlined red) and watch the terrified look spread across their face. You have just disrupted their safe little world, so you are now a threat.

    Even a hundred years ago, people whose mental ailments could not be understood where treated like test subjects, lab rats, poked and prodded, shocked and starved, tossed away because it made the "normal" folks feel safer. I for one am grateful for the advancements in modern medicine, particularly the mental health aspect.

   I read a lot . . . I can't imagine a world without books. There is something soothing about turning the pages, hearing the sound and feeling the whoosh as the page turns. The day when all books are digital will be awful for me . . . I don't know what I will do . . . wait, I am going off on a tangent again. Where was I?

    I have decided to stop being afraid and figure this out, this thing in my head that tells me to literally tear myself apart every day, the issues that have made me believe that I did not deserve to see the light of day. There are several ignorant people in my life who would tell me, "that is not so bad, it's easy, you just don't want to do it." To them I say a big **** you. Twice. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done. You go face your worst fear, being heights, gravity, clowns, whatever. I dare you to look it in the eye. Jackass.

    Wait, where was I? Oh ya. In this research and conquering this, I have learned a few things. For one, everyone has a demon. Those who say they don't are liars or ignoring it. Everyone has something in their head that they wish they could be rid off. It is all relative. Mine just happens to be a little bit more obvious because what starts on the inside shows itself with my physical self. It is all relative.

    Another thing is that I am OK. I can live with this, I know that it will never completely go away, but I can live with it. I have to accept it. Fighting for its complete exile from my body and mind is a waste of energy.
 
    There are a few people in the world who do not think I am crazy. Even people I have never met. There are understanding, non judgemental people in the world. And I love them!

    As I decided to get healthy mentally, I decided to work on my physical health as well. I do not thing I am unhealthy, mind you, I have never thought I was fat, but I recognize that physical and mental health work together. So why not work on them at the same time?

    A lot of our mental issues come from the food we eat. All the preservatives, dyes, etc. are poisoning us. No, I am not turning into a granola eating hippy (no offense to you granola eating hippys out there) but we put so much crap into our bodies it is no wonder we are all crazy to an extent.

   In the last year I have completely stopped drinking soda. I drink water all day. I have a reusable water bottle that I just fill up all day. I make sure I eat breakfast everyday, and bring healthy snacks to work with me. I take vitamins every morning, it is easy to remember because I already have to take medication every morning anyway, why not toss a big 'ol vitamin down the gullet while I am at it?
 
    I have been trying to find simple and easy ways to incorporate exercise into my daily routine. I walk the dog or do arm curls with one of my massive hardback Stephen King books (Under the Dome, have you read it?).

    I have been working hard at "unplugging," I rarely get on Facebook anymore, and rather than watch TV I color or draw or read. I exercise my mind.

   Just yesterday I started doing Pilates again. Yes, again, there is a lot of things you did not know about me, young grasshoppa. Holy crap, that is a workout. Ya know that Alicia Keys song "Girl On Fire,"  I figured it out, she just did Pilates. 

   All of my hard work is beginning to pay off. I feel great. I feel healthy, and I am so happy. The biggest thing I have discovered is that I am stronger that I ever could have imagined. I never knew I could be this determined.  I have always loved stories of people who overcome something that others told them was impossible. I have been drawn to those stories because I have always known that I wanted to overcome.

    I can't believe that I can say I am grateful for the challenges that I have been given, but there really is no better word. I am a stronger, more grounded and realistic person because of it. I am testing the limitations of my body and mind, and have not found any yet. I am not sick, I am not crazy, I have just been given a very unique and trying challenge. But, they say the big man upstairs does not give you more than you can handle, so I guess I should be flattered.

   I have also discovered that there are a lot of negative people in my life. Both by choice and by proximity. I know several people who think they are or should be the center of the universe. . .  which perplexes me. They can't all be right, right? Is there layers to the center of the universe? Maybe they can share their domination . . .

   Wait, getting off topic again. My New Year's Resolution of 2014 is to avoid all nouns of negativity. That is, people, places and things. Mostly people. I am avoiding the vexatious people in my life. Including certain people in my family. That may seem harsh, but where I have made so much progress, I can't be dragged down right now by anyone. I am on a roll, but that moment could easily be knocked off kilter. I need to stay strong. No offense. I need to do this for me, to get better. I have avoiding this for so long also, because I have been led to believe that doing anything positive for me was selfish. . . .

I am starting to ramble now, so this needs to wrap up.
I don't think I am even going to post this blog. I just needed to write it. Writing is my greatest therapy. I have to speak the things that are in my head, or else they will just bounce around in my brain like a bouncy ball on crack. Ahhhh, no I can take a deep breath and get on with my day. :)